You Don’t Find Yourself — You Return

There’s a version of you underneath everything you’ve learned to be.

In this episode, Adrienne and I move through what it actually means to return to the essence of who you are—not as an idea, but as something you feel in real time.

We talk about the moments in life that crack things open…
The ones that feel inconvenient, uncomfortable, or even painful—and how they’re often not detours, but invitations.

Because the truth is:
You’re not here to become someone new.
You’re here to remember who you were before you started adapting.

Inside this conversation:

• Why life feels hardest right before you realign
• The difference between your essence and your conditioning
• How pain can be a redirection, not a punishment
• What it looks like to stop abandoning yourself in subtle ways
• The quiet shift that happens when you start trusting your own path

This is the kind of episode you don’t just listen to—
you recognize yourself inside of it.

*

Connect with Taylor

Connect with Adrienne

Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:00

Welcome back to another episode of. I was gonna say holy shift. Holy shit. Okay. Nope. The TNA podcast. Totally not appropriate. You're listening to the TNA podcast. Totally not appropriate. We're your hosts, Taylor Sappington, a cosmic cartographer, medical astrologer, and herbalist decoding the intersection of soul, body, and belief.

SPEAKER_01 0:29

And Adrian Irazari, a psychoalchemist trained in East Asian medicine, vibrational healing, and the sacred science of your nervous system.

SPEAKER_03 0:38

Together we blend ancient tools, clinical wisdom, and unapologetic truth-telling.

SPEAKER_01 0:44

From main events to metaphysics, tarot to tonics, karma to cancel culture, nothing is off-limits and everything is on the table. This space is for the boldly curious, the ones who crave uncomfortable conversations, crave deeper insight, and are done pretending that they don't feel what they feel.

SPEAKER_03 1:06

So turn it up, tune in, and don't say we didn't warn you. Welcome to Tatiana. So we're sitting here rambling with one another, and I just decided to hit record because I'm like, these are the types of conversations that oftentimes lend themselves to being most relatable. Just two ladies chit-chatting about the dumpster fire that is life right now.

SPEAKER_01 1:32

Two air signs that are intellectualizing the dumpster fire that we live.

SPEAKER_03 1:37

Did you know that President Trump is a Gemini? Kind of makes my heart hurt. I know you should see Adrian's face right now. I'd have to go look at his birth chart again. It is in the same house. Mine is the 11th house, I believe. Wow. But can you see, guys, this is a perfect example of lower octave or lower embodiment expression of your chart. That is true. Versus higher embodiment expression of your chart. Right? Like he's scattered, he's sporadic, he's unpredictable. I believe he's also in his Uranus return. So the timing of things right now, Adrian's laughing. The timing of things right now could not be more perfect. And I know it feels like we're being waterboarded. I'm just gonna forget fire hose. We're all being waterboarded at this point. Okay. The pattern is so presentable right now. It's like, oh, that makes sense. That's why this feels like this. That's why this is happening, you know.

SPEAKER_01 2:45

We all have to go on this catalyzing adventure with him.

SPEAKER_03 2:49

Unfortunately. I mean, and the timing for all of us reflects that catalyzing adventure. You guys decided to be here and so did I. That's just part of the whole like sitting with your shit and recognizing that you agreed to come here at this time. Trust me, I have many moments where I'm like, what the fuck? BB can I pick up my phone, BB, like, can we talk? Did I really agree to all of this? Because what the fuck? But I was telling Adrian before we hit record that I was looking at the astrology. I do astrology forecasts each week. I do it through the lens of the soma. So I give you what the transits are doing throughout the duration of the week and the way that they're gonna be felt in your body because you are an antenna and you are always gonna feel, I feel it two to three days before the transit actually happens. I imagine you're the same way.

SPEAKER_01 3:35

Yes, you know. That's you when you and I start exchanging messages and going, what the hell is this?

SPEAKER_03 3:42

Yeah. And part of me is like, this is great. You know, because when the transit actually happens, I'm already eyeballs deep into the thing that people are just stepping into, most people. But I was looking at the transits for next week, and I just had to stop myself multiple times because of the number of transits that are occurring next week. Like the moon is busy, the sun is busy, Mars is busy, as we all well know. Remember, Mars is the planet of inflammation, it's the planet of aggression, it's the planet of drive, it's the planet of war. And there's a lot going on with Mars right now, and there's a lot going on under the sign of Aries right now. Like Aries is a packed house right now. So everybody is responding to Martian energy because Aries is ruled by Mars, right? So thinking is inflamed, feeling is inflamed, acting is inflamed. You really are impacted by these astrological transits. But the energy climate of next week is essentially we're being asked to take steps without feeling fully settled in your system. Your system's being provoked forward, but it's not gonna feel like you're ready to step forward. And there's going to be this strong push to act and to decide and to initiate like something in you is ready to go. Remember that Mars Aries energy. But at the same time, and here's where most people feel crazy, right? At the same time, there's a lot moving underneath the surface that hasn't fully processed yet. So in real life, we see motivation and then we see loss of steam halfway through. Relatable, like totally a lived experience. You can feel clear one minute and second guess yourself in the next, also super fucking relatable. You want things to move forward, but your body hesitates, also super fucking relatable, right? So this isn't because you're confused, it's because your system is still catching up. And Adrian and I have talked about this so many times. Energy precurses and precedes the physical manifestation of things in life.

SPEAKER_01 5:51

Yes. And at the time that this episode is released, we're gonna be in the middle of all of that. Yes. Okay, so everything Taylor just said, you're probably already feeling it hard because you're in it.

SPEAKER_03 6:04

Yeah. You know, so it's one of those things where there's a lot of fire in the field right now. Aries is a fire sign, and fire is fast. It's initiating, it's impatient energy a lot of the times. And it's hitting your body that's also trying to process emotion, that's trying to regulate the stimulation it's being exposed to, that's trying to find some stability underneath it all. And this is gonna cause friction. And we are so adept to complacency and comfort that collectively we don't know what to do with the discomfort. It's so interesting. I was talking to Paul about this yesterday, and I feel like this is widely relatable, but I was like, the comfort that we all seek and the comfort we are all used to has been the downfall of humanity.

SPEAKER_01 6:52

100%. I see this in my kids that can't go anywhere without a GPS. My son goes, Oh, well, I have my phone, I can just GPS it. I'm like, bro, there might not be a time where you can do that and you have to know left from right. I'm sorry. But like you really need to be able to navigate by north from south, east from west, you know.

SPEAKER_03 7:15

Like we are so used to being able to access. It's interesting to me to understand how people define discomfort in today's day and age.

SPEAKER_01 7:25

Yeah, I can define that. So I have a teenage son, yeah, I've referred to him a few times, but for him, discomfort is ping rate when he's trying to play a video game. Can you see? And when something buffers, so anytime the internet slightly slows down, i.e. when everybody is home in the evening and there's a lot more strain on the bandwidth system. Yeah. Okay. That is an example of what I'm talking about. The internet slows down a little bit. Okay. He tries to play a video game and he goes, Oh my gosh, this thing is glitching. Ah, and it's because he can't take a breath for a second and like let it catch up. Yeah. And it's the same thing with like watching videos, or if we have a little bit of a blip on Netflix when we're watching TV at night. And I started seeing this, you know, my age is gonna show here. We have talked about the fact that Adrienne's in her 40s, but you know, when my kids started ever on the snow. Yeah, totally like I'm used to having to wait for the radio to play the song so that I can hit record on the boom box to record the song for the mixtape. Okay, that's called patience, man. And when you had to listen to the be-bong bee bong, like to wait for the internet to actually be live for you to do something with it. You had to be patient. Yeah. And I see this just because of the generational thing going on in my house, but kids now, like, if there's a buffering that happens for like even two seconds, they freak out. They're used to having music on demand, meaning whatever song they want to listen to, they just type in the name of the song and that song appears. They don't know the pain of waiting for a freaking hour after you call the radio station, waiting for that as I laugh and smile and see the crow's feet starting to show up in the corners of my eyes. I'm like, come on, man, like the song's gotta be coming. I gotta go do my homework, right? So, like, some of us understand that. We understand patience. We can sit in the DMV without our phone in our hand because we were taught that sometimes you just had to exist.

SPEAKER_03 9:44

Do you remember when Instagram went down last year? I think it was Instagram. It like went down for 24 hours. It was the best 24 hours of my life. Yeah. Like it's so nice. I didn't have Instagram until 2017. So, like, social media and Taylor did not do like the tango until 2017 when I left obviously the Western paradigm and I stepped into the integrative paradigm and started my own business, you know. But I miss life pre 2017 because it was so simple. Like my world was my world, and I appreciated that my world was my world, right? And if I came across something by just existing in my world, then I knew I needed to be aware of it, right? But I didn't have access to all of the world's horrors by just opening an app. You know, I came across a video yesterday, and this girl was like, I'm just gonna put this out there for everybody. If you have an account on here and you're running a business and you stand for anything, there are going to be people that make fun of you. There are going to be people that troll you. The bullying is a million times worse than it was in high school. And you just have to kind of accept it for what it is and build a tough skin around it. And I was like, well, I guess that's something that I needed to hear because visibility has been coming up immensely for me. Like, do I want to be visible? Like, do I want to be genuinely visible to people, or do I want to keep a barrier between myself and the outside world? I think privacy is important. I'm a highly private person. And at the same time, I believe this is your lived experience too, Adrian. I have a Libra South Node and I have an Aries North Node. It is actually when you start peeling apart the patterns that you call so many people are like, I know my truth. And I'm like, no, you know your patterns, babe. You don't know your truth. You know your patterns, right? Your patterns are your identity, and you don't know anything outside of that. And when you start unwinding your patterns, you come to discover that your identity sits way outside of those patterns. Yes. And your birth chart also tells you where you need to grow, where you're gonna stay safe, comfortably uncomfortable, and where you need to grow. And my north note is an Aries. That's choosing yourself over everyone else. That's following your impulses, that's taking action, that's being the innovator, that's doing the thing and asking for forgiveness later. I'm actually not comfortable with that. I am much more comfortable keeping the peace. Yes. But I'm not effective. I'm not effective as a human being here on earth. Like what I'm here to do, I'm not effective keeping the peace because I suffer. Everyone else benefits for a period of time with me keeping the peace, but eventually no one benefits because I'm suffering. So I might as well say the thing, share the opinion, find the pattern undisrupted, and let whoever's not gonna like me not like me because eventually that's gonna be like flies to shit. Right. The people who resonate with it, you know, or beast to honey or whatever the fuck we want to say, right? But eventually your people come find you and you repel the people. I'm not supposed to be everybody's cup of tea. Neither are you, you know. But the people that like you are gonna drink it and then come back for seconds.

SPEAKER_01 13:07

Well, that's like the video. And so I said Taylor this video over the weekend, and it was this woman talking about aquarians and them working, and I had to laugh because she goes, We need more of your fucking weirdo ness. Like, yeah, well, I am definitely a Martian underneath the tinfoil hat over here. And I just had to laugh because as a Libra rising, okay, so there's that diplomacy.

SPEAKER_03 13:35

Harmony, consideration of everyone, kidney deficiency because of it. Yes, yes.

SPEAKER_01 13:41

Well, and I'm all of those things. Hi, welcome, get to know me. Here's me too. Understand. So, you know, that has kept me from being like wildly weird. Yeah, because I've said this to Taylor, and I can't remember if I've said this on the show or not, but I always find myself with ideas that are no less than three years ahead of everybody around me. Always, every fucking time. It drives me crazy because I started doing pelvic steaming at a time where there wasn't a lot of press about it, except it being seen with Gwyneth Paltrow and Goop. So anytime I talked to somebody, there was this assumption that this was this fly by night Hollywood fad, and there really wasn't anything to it. I'm like, well, actually, you know, it's like a thousand-year-old medicine. Like, have a conversation with me, right? Yep. And then it was sound healing, right? I got my certification in sound healing. There were some people doing it, but now it's like a really saturated market. And so every time I have an idea, it's like I struggle and I educate and I have this really hard time like getting traction with people. And then all of a sudden it is the buzzword, and everybody does it, and they're like, oh, you're just another sound healer. I'm like, no, I'm like, I'm one of the OGs over here, man. Like so being an Aquarius is cool and a pain in the ass at the same time because you have all of these ideas and concepts and you try to bring things to fruition. Like, I've had classes that I've created and I've tried to bring to fruition and all of this stuff. And like five years later, that information is somehow very relevant. But here I am, like having created this thing way over here, or this concept came to light way over here, and I was already doing the thing. But then anytime people encounter me five years later, people are like, Oh, I know about that. I did this like seminar somewhere, and I'm like, oh, but this is where your weird gets to be real time, right?

SPEAKER_03 15:48

Like saying the thing that no one else is saying in real time, sharing the perspective that no one else is sharing in real time without being the diplomat. I know it's hard. I know it is hard. Yeah, well, because rejection is something none of us want to participate in. Like rejection's painful. We are all conditioned to avoid rejection, you know, whether it's social rejection, even on a platform with strangers coming for our throats. We had a conversation last night in one of my communities, and I was like, I have come to the conclusion that every person that has ever commented on one of our videos has been an old, mediocre at best, white man with a generic name. Thanks, Charles, with a Z. Who the fuck spells their name like that? Like it's true. Also, do you not have anything better to do? Yeah. Because you know I'm gonna look at your profile. Like, as soon as you come at Adrian or I with a comment, I'm gonna go look at your profile and decide whether or not it's worth my time to engage you, right? So this last person clicked their profile. I'm like, you have a family. You have a family, you have young children, from what I can see. Like, get off the internet and go live your life. Go be present with your children. Yeah. And do we not know that clips like shorts and reels are crafted from a marketing perspective to give you very little context so that you engage in the long form conversation. If you are making a judgment on my character based on a 30-second clip, bitch, I don't want to know you.

SPEAKER_01 17:32

But that really speaks to the meta-narrative, though, right? That we have gotten so far afield from connection that we truly judge books by their cover rather than having an actual lengthy engagement, whether that's listening to an entire podcast, whether that's actually doing the deeper dive to learn more about who's doing the speaking. Like we just make snap judgments. I mean, this is why fake news freaking permeates all the things, is because somebody sees a clip that it either speaks to their internal narrative or it doesn't, and they share it based on that rather than looking at the entire context of the conversation. You can make a clip say anything. Yep. And it's friggin' ridiculous that we have become so shallow in the way that we communicate that we can't take the time to look at the longer form context. Like, are we really that busy? And if we're really that busy, then I guess that means we really shouldn't be engaging with that thing until we have the appropriate time to give it its attention. It's no different than when I'm multitasking and I'm in the middle of something and one of my kids comes at me and they have a question and I can't give them my full attention. Yeah. I will literally tell them, hang on just a second, let me finish my thought, and then I will give you my full attention. And sometimes they'll wait for it. More often than not, they will. But like when people come at me all at the same time, I'm like, I can't give you the attention you deserve. So hold on a second, let me finish my thought, and then I can give you my full attention. And that's exactly what I do. I put my phone down, I stop at my keyboard, whatever it is. I physically turn my body because we can't even handle nonverbal communication these days, guys. Like interpersonal conversations, let alone how we handle and conduct ourselves online. Like it's really fucking ridiculous. So I will physically turn my body towards my child and go, okay, now you have my full attention. How can I help you? Yeah. Because I want them to feel seen, I want them to feel heard. That's why people do this shit online. Because we don't know how to do that anymore. And people build resentment and then they become keyboard trolls because they're like, I feel angry in my own life, so let me take it out on others.

SPEAKER_03 20:09

It's interesting because there's this meme. I'm sure you've seen it before. Maybe it's not even a meme, but there was this trend at one point where it was like, I'll just use personal examples. Like I've been a single parent, I've dealt with economic disparity, I've dealt with unfortunate abuse in relationships, right? Like, I'm just naming hardship that I've experienced in my life. And like the trend or the meme is like, you can't hurt my feelings. And I was contemplating that last night. And I'm like, no, I'm human, you can still hurt my feelings. It doesn't matter how much hardship I've faced, you can still hurt my feelings. And I don't think people understand that even when you're sitting behind a computer and you've never actually engaged with the human that you're commenting on, that's a real living human being who has real world experience and your trauma, whatever I'm triggering in you, is likely just gonna bleed all over what I've dealt with. And then I have to go regulate myself, and then I have to go sort through my response to whatever it is that has come up for me. You know, like I think people have forgotten that yeah, you can go through hardship and you can have a hard exterior. We all feel.

SPEAKER_01 21:22

It's part of being human. We all feel, regardless of how we present the exterior to the world.

SPEAKER_03 21:28

We have to clearly I'm intense and intimidating. We talked about this on the last episode. Like, okay, 10 out of 10, not my intention, not doing that on purpose. It's interesting because I was in conversation yesterday, and one of the most healing things was reflected back to me. Like, this is probably one of the most healing things someone has ever said to me. She said, Taylor, I don't care if who you are is perceived as aggressive or angry. She's like, I see it as passionate. I'd rather get that version of you. You because I know it's a hundred percent authentic, yes, than the diplomat who's trying to make sure that everybody is happy and feels safe in her presence. And I was like, wow, I didn't realize how much I needed to actually hear that. And I'm sure you have your own stories of this. I've spent my entire life being told that I'm too much, too loud, too aggressive, too opinionated, too masculine by other women without knowing an ounce outside of what they think they know about me, my trauma, my upbringing. But like, do you actually understand the core fabric of who I am? Have you taken the time to get to know that?

SPEAKER_01 22:42

But a lot of people don't even know that about themselves.

SPEAKER_03 22:44

Correct. And that's where we come back to the patterns. You are just a sum of repetitive patterns. And that you think you know it's just a sum of repetitive patterns. Watch what happened when someone challenges the pattern.

unknown 22:59

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 22:59

The score of who you are falls apart. Now you either fall into that and evolve through it, or you spiral and lean even harder into the pattern.

SPEAKER_01 23:08

Yes, I deeply witness that. I can say that from experience, even four years ago, I would have had a very different emotional response to an online bully than I do now because I am a deeply feeling sensitive person. I'm an INFJ, for those of you who are familiar with Myers Briggs, I feel everything. Taylor's talked about how porous I am in my astrological chart. I freaking feel everything. So I could feel the nastiness, like when people would come at me, you know, and I really had a hard time locking that out. It felt deeply personal. Yeah. And I have to say I've been very fortunate. And I think that it's because I've taken this diplomatic approach online, right? And, you know, I have a show called Reproductive Rebel, and I've been rebellious in challenging the narrative, but I haven't been really inflammatory in my program either, because of that reason. So, you know, I look at it now and all of the work that I have done in terms of coming back home to my essence self, meaning the person underneath all of the social programming and the bullshit. Okay. Who was I when I was a kid before the world got a hold of me and started telling me I needed to be something else? And now I look at it like I might start to feel that being triggered in me, but then I'm very quick to turn it around and say, okay, so clearly this is being spoken through their story. Yeah. Because they don't really know my story. Nope.

SPEAKER_03 24:45

And probably not interested because they're so dysregulated that they can't even pause for two seconds to understand. Once you start making personal accusations against me or towards my character, you have lost the argument with me. You are now no longer speaking about the topic at hand that you supposedly disagree with me on. You're now attacking my character without us ever having spoken before. So you've already lost in my mind. You're dysregulated. You're gonna see me through this lens in all facets at all angles. So am I gonna waste my time with you?

SPEAKER_01 25:26

Well, and that actually dovetails with what I was saying, because in the past I would have engaged because I felt like I needed to defend my soft heart. Yeah. And now I look at it like, is this worth my energy? And sometimes people will interpret that silence as, oh, well, I won. She's got nothing to say back. And it's like, well, no, actually, I just don't have anything that I feel is worth sharing my time with you. So actually, like, I'm still holding the cards here. Like, I've decided that no matter what I say to you, because of how you've presented yourself, that you're just gonna fight with me. So, what is the point?

SPEAKER_03 26:09

Going back to the astrology, you know, we're gonna continue to see polarity grow. We talked about this in our episode where Adrian and I looked at 2026 as a runway. Like political polarity, personal polarity is gonna continue to grow. We are literally sitting at a point in time in history where there are more active wars going on than there were, I think it's before any point since World War II. We're in a multi-conflict era. And what's so fucked up to me is in this multi-conflict era in the Western world and the United States, we're like, we still get up and have to go to work. Like everything. I'm sure it's like this elsewhere, although France is setting everything on fire right now. And I'm like, oh, they get how we feel. That's right. You know, like France takes the cake when it comes to activism and I don't want to say rioting, but is that protesting? Protesting, yeah. You know, oh yeah. Come on, throwing shit at parliament buildings. Fuck yeah, man, I'm all for that. Like, you know, so here we are in the Western world concerned about going to work nine to five, like, and whether or not our Amazon order is gonna be here in two days. And I'm like, oh my god. Not that I have the capacity or you have the capacity to digest what's going on in the world. We don't, but like, even to just concentrate it to what's going on in this country, like something's gotta change.

SPEAKER_01 27:32

Yes, yeah. Well, I mean, we're also been privileged in the fact that it's been very rare in history that anybody has brought the fight to our doorstep either. Yeah. So we don't have the same lived experience that they do in other countries where it has been brought to their doorstep, you know. I think it's getting close. Well, gosh, I have a whole bunch of things I think and feel about that. But the moral of the story is that it goes back to that comfort piece, what we consider uncomfortable and what we consider comfortable in today's age. And like when the internet slows down, it's a massive disruption in my life, rather than like, hey, we probably should be planning food-wise and energy scarcity-wise. And like, you know, we got some real concerns we should probably be taking a look at because we think we can't be touched, and we can in ways that I don't think we have conceptualized yet. And that's the part that kind of scares me because then we're gonna end up with that mass panic kind of thing. And a person is smart, but people are stupid.

SPEAKER_03 28:43

It's interesting that people are not conceptualizing that because gas is literally the highest it's been. Oh, yeah. Yes, we don't have a gas crisis, it's manufactured. Uh-huh. Actually, I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that all of the crises are manufactured, every single last one of them. And there is a small subset of the population that benefits from this financially. It always comes back to money. And money is not a bad thing. Money is a concept, just like time is a concept, right? And at some point in history, we decided that in order for you get like this, I'm gonna give you this. It's gonna be worth something. I have a yellow sticky note if you're listening to this. Very sophisticated example here, right? But like I have this, I'm gonna give Adrian that in exchange for services, goods, support, if you will. And we have taken that and completely and utterly destroyed open market capitalism, which was a really beautiful thing. We now have conglomerates and monopolies. You know this because you've deep dived on one of the thousands of videos that tells you your food is poison, you want to talk about more vanilla content. How many times do you have to hear that your food is poison before you disconnect from the internet and you go out and you get to know your local farmers? How many times do you need to hear that feminine care products are full of carcinogenic materials before you disconnect from the internet and you go find feminine care products that are being made by local hands or mostly women-owned businesses to combat the issue at hand? How many times do you have to hear that the pharmaceutical that you're consuming it gives you temporary relief, but oftentimes long-term side effects before you disconnect from the internet and you go out and you learn how to forage and work with herbs, where you find an herbalist locally or from some way, shape, or form, find somebody that's studied a traditional modality that can support you. In supporting you, not only are you getting what you need on an individual sense, you're also learning. It's like going to school on yourself. Are you really that disinterested in you?

SPEAKER_01 30:52

I mean, yes. The short answer is yes. And it's when people get motivated and then they start becoming an informed public because they're not moving on autopilot. That's when they get mad because they're like, How did I not know this? And it's like, well, it's been there, it's been in your face, but you weren't giving it any time or attention until it affected you personally. And that's why I'm saying what I'm saying. Like a lot of times, like we just kind of cruise on autopilot until the fight comes to our doorstep. And it's really hard because I feel like the further we go into 2026, like I tried really going into this very positive. I love it. I'm the little engine that could, man. I was like, you know, there'll be some bumps, it's gonna be fine. And then how are those bumps?

SPEAKER_02 31:44

They're more like speed bumps than send your car flying because you didn't see them in the road. Like you hit it and you're like, oh fuck, and you've like got an air.

SPEAKER_01 31:53

I literally feel like the kid in the back of the school bus that like the bus driver hits the boat too hard and like your books and your shit and you go flying. Yeah. And I'm just like, wow, I totally believed Taylor. It wasn't that I didn't, but I just kind of went into it with this little engine that could glasses half full. Like, okay, we're gonna trouble it'll be a little rough, but it'll be okay. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 32:17

You know, I think that's the thing though. The concept of good times can come from hard experiences, or like good outcomes can come from hard experiences. The reality of it is what we are traversing as a collective could not be sidestepped, ignored, or avoided. We could not continue on the trajectory we were on. It was like suicide bombing. You know what I mean? Like we were slowly moving toward our own self-imposed death. Something had to change. And usually, you know, as we all well know, because we're fucking stubborn, right? We're programs upon programs and we just repeat patterns all day, every day. How many people get up and do the same shit every morning and don't think about it? Do you think about peeing, or do you just get up and know, I gotta go pee? Yeah. Do you think about brushing your teeth, or do you just pick up the toothbrush and put toothpaste on it, right? Do you think about starting the warm water for your tea or your coffee, or do you just hit on? You really want to challenge whether or not you're just a summation of patterns. Start noticing yourself in the day-to-day.

SPEAKER_01 33:21

I mean, that is a tick-knock concept, the art of mindfulness. Like he talks about the art of washing dishes. And I remember being present with the dish. Yep. Being present with the dish, how the water feels in your fingers, how the dish feels in your hands, like little tiny things like just being mentally present in whatever little mundane thing it is that you're doing completely changes.

SPEAKER_03 33:52

Yes. When we do this too. Time is a construct, guys. So when you look at it through the quantum perspective, and I'm talking physics, not medicine at this point. When you look at it through the quantum physics perspective and you look at the math associated with it and you do triple intervals. Yeah, I'm pulling this out. People are like, oh, she actually is smart. Yeah, fucker. I am. Like I just don't talk about it most of the time. Okay, Michael. Right. But he has no idea what a fucking triple interval is. Okay. So, like when you look at triple intervals, it is the shadow of the previous two intervals. So let me break this down. We, as people, in our experience, are a shadow of a 4D or a 5D hologram, which means everything is not happening separately. It is happening what we call past, what we call present, what we call future, is all happening here and now. Humans, in order to orient themselves to the environment they live in, have to separate it. But it is a mental construct, and math verifies that it is a mental construct through triple intervals. Suck it. When people are like, I go to the doctor, like, okay, do you think I'm not educated? Like that. I just didn't go to school for an MD or a PA or an NP. I chose a different path. That doesn't make them more intelligent.

SPEAKER_01 35:24

Or capable, but we've socialized everybody to believe that. I think that needs to come crumbling down too, right? Because that's something that drives me absolutely batshit. Taylor used to have a really beautiful podcast, and I had the honor of being a guest on her podcast.

SPEAKER_03 35:40

And we talked about the fact I'll just take the episode and we can upload it to our channel so people can listen to it.

SPEAKER_01 35:46

Oh, yeah. We did the interview a few years ago, and we talked about the fact that we both chose not to have a doctorate because there's a lot of, shall we say, muffling that goes along with that regulation of what we ordered say and do and how you do it and all of that kind of stuff. And I didn't want that. I wanted to be able to fuckity make fuck fuck my way through whatever the hell it was that I was doing because I wanted to be real. I wanted to be accessible. I will tell my clients, like I am not also that sits on a pedestal somewhere. Right.

SPEAKER_03 36:21

And you, as the client, you're not an algorithm. I can't plug you into a math equation and get something for you out of it. I have to deal with the constant variable of change that is you. Yes. The moment you walk into my door, you are totally different than the moment you walk out of it. And you're gonna be different the next time that I see you, whether it's 24 hours later or week later or a month later. I have to be able to, I have to be mentally agile enough. I have to be capable of seeing things through so many different lenses that I can meet you in the moment and the way that you need to be met. Not one single fucking doctor, regardless of how functional, integrative, holistic I've ever worked with, has been capable of doing that.

SPEAKER_01 37:04

Yes. And that's why things will work for a time or they won't work at all, but they might work for a time and they're gonna move the needle some, but they're not gonna get you where it is that you need to go because, like, even in my work, I did not want to be regulated in that way. I wanted to be able to meet people where they were at, and these armors that we wear to protect ourselves, these faces that we wear to protect ourselves, like from judgment and how we internalize shame and guilt. That all shows up in your fucking menstrual cycle, guys. All the ways that you shame yourself around sitting on the couch for five minutes after you've literally been busting your ass all day long, and that's the moment your partner walks in and you instantly feel shame. That affects your cycle.

SPEAKER_03 37:54

Ladies, go find you a man that's like, please sit down. My husband is always like, Taylor, please sit down, please sit down. We have had our hard times. Or find you a woman. I don't care. Find you a lover, whatever. Man, woman, in between, find you somebody who's like, please sit down, please kick your feet up. For somebody who has been traumatized, I'm using that word intentionally, traumatized by an upbringing where I always had to be. My parents did the best they could. I love my parents if this ever makes it to their ears. I love you guys. Thank you for everything that you've done, did, sacrificed. You know, but the reality of it is, and this is the part you don't like to hear, there were fucking gaps. And the gaps that existed became an issue for me as an adult, right? And I grew up in an environment where I constantly had to be capable of reading somebody's face or energy. I'm gonna get emotional, or yeah, exhausting.

SPEAKER_01 38:51

It is exhausting, it is exhausting, and I resonate with that because you know, you had to be able to read the room in order to quote unquote know how to act and know how to show up. And am I working hard enough and looking for that validation? And it is I'm an adult that does the same thing, and like this is why you're so tired.

SPEAKER_03 39:12

Yes, you know, yes, and like it takes so much time and so much work to come out of that pattern, yeah, and to be met by friends and a partner that's like, I just love you for who you are, for who you are.

SPEAKER_01 39:29

Adrian's trying not to cry and can see it in her face because I have the same story, you know. I have the same story, like I was raised in a French-Canadian Catholic background where you had to prove your worth by how hard you work. It is fucking exhausting.

SPEAKER_03 39:46

Look at the bags under my eyes. I can't imagine doing that to Sydney. Like, I can't imagine. Like, yeah, I'm gonna be 40 in June, and I'm finally like, oh my god, I'm finally meeting who I am. And she scares me a little bit, not in a bad way, just in like a you're bold. Yes, you know, and like she was silenced and cut down and told to be seen and not heard, and like, yes, holy shit, thank God for the part of me that picked up and carried that load. It's like rocking two babies at the same time. You're like telling this one that she can finally you can finally put it all down. Yeah, you know, and then this one where it's like you can finally be who you are, yeah, you know, and who is that?

SPEAKER_01 40:34

Because in some ways we're finding it out. Well, in some ways, you get so socialized out of who you are, and you put up so many defensive mechanisms that it's like, so who am I underneath all of this? And that sometimes is a scary journey, so scary.

SPEAKER_03 40:53

I'm going to be like, I'm very well aware, like conscientious of the fact that I'm gonna be rejected by people that have accepted me up to this point, you know, and it's like I guess I'm gonna have to find a way to reconcile that within myself because who you accepted, there were absolutely parts of me, and everything that I showed up as was like a hundred percent intentional, if you will. But the intention is shifting, right? And like the intention now is like I get to honor the person who's I don't want thyroid issues, I don't want to deal with breast cancer, I have no desire to go through menopause or perimenopause in an uncomfortable way, you know. Like, I don't want to be so stressed that I don't get sick, I don't want to be so stressed that I'm skinny, and then when my body finally finds regulation, I'm like, who the fuck is this and where has she been my whole life? We've already traversed that. We're still traversing that, you know. Like, I think it's probably better for me to say I have a greater desire than all of those things to walk through the next 40, 50, however many years I have the pleasure of being in this shit show, you know, with like vitality and putting my head on a pillow at night and going, like, well, they didn't like it, but I was a hundred percent true to me. It's okay if they pull back, remove me from their Instagram, choose not to talk to me anymore. You know, like the boundary I get to set for being me is far more valuable than keeping you as a friend if who I am is really that disruptive to you.

SPEAKER_01 42:30

Well, it's a matter of being accepted for all of your parts, right? Like so many of us hold so much shit together because we're just simply trying to survive. We want to be accepted. Like it's one of Maslow's hierarchy of needs to be level one, accepted and loved and held, right? And like so many of us don't even have that level of need met because we are socially conditioned to believe. It's not even thinking, it's that we believe at a fabric level that we have to act a certain way and be a certain way and look a certain way and fit into a certain box. And I'm guilty of this too. Like, okay, if you guys haven't listened to our 38 to 42 episode, go back and listen to that because that is a thousand percent relevant in this conversation right now. It is hard getting to know yourself again because you have to let go of all of the outdated stories, which is all the bullshit. I'm not a mushroom, stop feeding me shit, right? Like all the bullshit that I've been fed for decades of my life. And some of it was cultural programming from my family, right? And this is what they knew. I had a really interesting conversation with my parents this past weekend. It was probably the most transparent and honestly for me, powerful, vulnerable conversations I think I've ever had. With them where I talked about how their language around money really made me feel as an adult about bunny. And I could see my mom have this whoa kind of moment because she realized that some of her language came from her upbringing, also. And it was really kind of cool to see her put those pieces together. It was really emotional for me to verbalize it all. Yeah. Where I broke down in tears. I was like, I was afraid to play with my fucking toys because I knew that if I broke them, that was it. Like I wasn't going to get a replacement. So I now, as a 42-year-old woman, still have toys that look brand fucking new from when I was a goes. Because I didn't want to lose the only thing I had. Yeah. You know, and so I said this all to her. I was like, I had a hard time sometimes to play because I didn't want to scuff my shoes because I knew I would get in trouble for that because you couldn't replace it. My mom was like, holy, I could see like, and my dad didn't have a lot to say about it, but I could tell he was listening. My dad sometimes he has a lot to say about it, but generally he just kind of is quiet and receives. And my mom is usually the one that verbalizes it a little bit more. And she's like, I had no idea that it made you feel that way. And I was like, Yeah, I have been afraid of money and not having enough of my entire life. And I feel like I've worked so damn hard and I've tried to prove this hardworking narrative. Because if you were French Canadian, you worked really hard for what you had. I did an entire thesis for my master's degree, because my master's is in communication and has an ethnographic focus about the Acadian cultural identity, Acadian French. Okay. And that because you're a people with no homeland, you prove over and over your cultural performance of identity involves working hard. But the problem is that you work yourself to death and you don't get to enjoy the life that you are here to actually live. And that was part of this really powerful conversation I had with my parents. And I was like, damn, my identity has come a long way. Yeah. Because that was something from my essence self to reveal to my parents. And my mom actually was like, I feel really bad that you felt that way. And and it was just because she was speaking from her lived experience. She was speaking from the fact that honestly, she's was chronically ill most of my growing up experience. And she spent so much time sick. I have immense compassion for the fact that from day to day she could only see the forest for the trees. Because it was like one day after another, she was having med reactions. She was having these physical problems and all these other things. And I just watched my mother be so damn sick. And I have made this bow to myself. Maybe that is how I got into this work. But I'm like, there it is, Adrian.

SPEAKER_03 47:03

Sorry, we're gonna have a moment on the podcast. There it is. Cause we've talked about vows and contracts. And yeah, as you're talking about all of this, I'm like, if you're listening and you don't think that your day-to-day is influenced by factors that existed prior to you, right? That were carried on by lineage, that are generational, that are rooted in your DNA, you're missing part of the picture. And until you address that, which my work does that, you know, until you address these components of it, you can't collapse the reality and create the new one. Oh, and it's collapsing. Yes. Yeah. Beautiful. You know, like that's what we want to see. Usually when we work at a frequency level and we go down and we start pulling at these strings, I'm gonna be honest. When I work with somebody and there's not a frequency medicine element, but it's more so the I'm gonna call it energetic attunement, these shifts happen, but I think it takes them longer to understand what has happened. When there's frequency medicine associated with it, it's a little more like, oh, these two things collapsingness. You know, but like if you are listening to this and you're like, what is my grandmother or my great grandmother or like the lineage of the people that I come from have to do with any of this, Adrian just laid it out for you beautifully. If you don't think you have a historical component to your person, oh, totally, you're missing a huge piece of the picture, you know? And we were talking about as Adrian was talking through all this, she's talking about like parts of herself. I'm like, we all also get to realize, and there's a bit of grief in this too, that most of the people that accept and or reject us are equally as accepting and rejecting of all parts of themselves. So for the most part, we're not truly accepted by people. Does that make sense? Because they don't truly accept themselves. Just like we're vehemently rejected, just like they vehemently reject components of themselves. And it's not until you find yourself with like-minded people who understand the depth of this work where you're like, oh, okay, they see me and they accept me to the degree that they accept themselves, and their acceptance of themselves is at a place and in a standard that I'm okay with. Really has you question your friendships.

SPEAKER_01 49:20

Yes. Well, and even your romantic relationships, right? Because your romantic relationships, they have to be willing to grow along with you.

SPEAKER_03 49:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 49:27

And accept all of the parts of you, even the messy ones as well. I won in that department. Yep.

SPEAKER_03 49:33

I won in that department. You know, hasn't been easy to get to where we are by any means. There have been many uncomfortable conversations, but it is so imperative. Because that's how you grow, though.

SPEAKER_01 49:48

Like we have this like tranquil zen meditation-looking mental picture around what growth looks like. Growth is messy, it is dumpster fire, it's uncomfortable. You come up against pieces of yourself who are like, ooh, oh, I don't really like that version of it. Like how I'm sound there. Like, how could I do that differently? Like, I not that I was a shit parent before, but I really feel like a lot of this work has helped me parent differently than I was reflecting before.

SPEAKER_03 50:23

You just had different tools. You did the best in the circumstance that you could with what you have.

SPEAKER_01 50:30

Oh, and that's all that we do, right? But what Taylor and I are proposing is let us give you better tools because it will completely shift the way that you look at yourself, the way that you look at the world, the way that you look at the way you interact with other people, and honestly, how you engage with the meta-narrative that is the dumpster fire that we're living in right now. Like I look at all of this and I'm like, okay, we're just the castle is crumbling. Let it watch the stones fall. Because if we don't allow the fall to happen, we create something new. Yeah. You know, we're just always going to be, it makes me think of like a house, okay, where you know, you have the existing structure and then you add on, and then you add on, and then the foundations will shift because it's a different building attached to the existing one, right? And you can only do that so long before there's something that shifts somewhere and the integrity changes. Like that's what's happening right now. The kingdom, okay, is crumbling. And in order to build a stronger new structure, you have to be able to start at the foundational level and build up. And that part blows. It takes time, it takes energy, it takes effort, it takes you're gonna grieve, yes, because you're grieving things that are long outdated and the things that you're ready to let go of. And familiarity feels good. So, of course, you know, we're gonna grieve the things that are going, but really at the end of the day, it allows for us to co-create a reality and an existence that feels far better in our system than everybody else. There's so many women that come into my practice right now that are like, oh, the world feels so heavy right now. Well, yeah, and it's like, yeah, and our bodies transmute for the collective. So, of course, you're gonna be feeling it even harder than men will, simply because we not only tend to be at the forefront of everything that's happening in terms of being legislated, but also we transmute all of what is happening at a collective level through our bodies. Cycles get weird, symptoms get strange, all that kind of stuff.

SPEAKER_03 52:44

It doesn't have to be like this, though. And I am Adrian are living proof of that. So, like, I recorded a video that I didn't post yesterday, and in that video, I was like, I need everybody who watches this video to become delusional. Delusional about your goals, delusional about your dreams, delusional about how you show up in the world, delusional about where things are going. And I provided the context that the world is so ripe with fear and shame and guilt and disappointment and polarity. And what other expletive am I missing?

SPEAKER_01 53:16

There's so many.

SPEAKER_03 53:18

You know, it's dense, it's so dense right now, you know, and we need more people that are delusional because if we even try to consume an appetite portion of everything that's going on, it is going to drown us. And we have all by proxy, right, been served disproportionately an amount of that suffering, right? Like the common folk are definitely receiving a disproportionate amount of that suffering. And we have it better, if you will, than other places in the world. And this is where my mind gets trippy because it's like, Taylor, without the internet, you wouldn't know about other places in the world. You're not built to know about every major conflict that's going on around the world. Like, we have our conflict here, and we are going to be no good to others until we get this conflict under control. Right. And the last thing the world needs right now is another person that is consumed by anger, grief, fear, despair, disappointment, and polarity. So, like everybody needs to open the door and go be delusional. Say hello to your neighbor, smile at the stranger, you know, like really, like, let's just all be human, you know, because it's like, and just I know people love hating him, which is fascinating to witness, right? When it comes to Donald Trump, it had to be someone, someone had to be the bad guy. There had to be a villain, right? Him or someone else. It had to be someone, right? And it just so happens to be him. So, not that I'm saying we all need to like him. I certainly do not agree with anything going on right now. Okay. But there's a small part of me that can go, thank you for taking the burden of this position on. The majority of the world hates you. I can't even imagine. I would die at the thought of that right now, as I work for my legal, right? Like, we need a narcissist, we need somebody who has an ego bigger than the size of the country that we live in, in order to execute what he's executing. And the execution of what's going on, taking all emotion out of it, had to occur in order for us to get where we're going.

SPEAKER_01 55:35

And I try really hard to not get discouraged in my heart every time I see a new headline.

SPEAKER_03 55:41

But well, how many headlines did I see yesterday? Okay, Iran is making a deal with Europe. Okay, now Iran is telling these places to evacuate. Like it was like Qatar, Dubai, like there were places. Now a two-week ceasefire deal has been hit. Like, all in the span of like six hours. I'm like, Jesus fucking Christ. And people are just popping off with every headline. I'm like, no wonder people have fucked up gastrointestinal tracts and are breathing heavily and from their chest, and food hits their belly and it doesn't feel good, and like they have the shits and their cycles fucked up. Like just being the observer of things that were happening yesterday. It was like, mm-hmm. All right, so in a span of six hours, we were annihilating, not we, he was annihilating an entire population, and then he wasn't annihilating an entire population. We all have to be as delusional as he is, just in a different way.

SPEAKER_01 56:41

Yes, in a new creation kind of way, right?

SPEAKER_03 56:46

Because the tone of his tweet, I think it was like great day. And I'm like, what in the fuck isn't this guy serial? Like, what is in the morning? Like to be able to operate like this. Yeah. It's fascinating to watch.

SPEAKER_01 57:00

Oh, I think it's discouraging, but it is fascinating if you think about it that way. Like, if you think about it in terms of if you want to see narcissists in action and really how truly removed they are from how other people experience their behavior, we're seeing it in real time.

SPEAKER_03 57:22

I mean, it is a psychological experience of observation. It's wild. My mind immediately goes to okay, like, what were the contracts that he signed prior to coming in here? Where's the karma in this entire picture? Like, I can look at his birth chart and I can pull a lot of that out, but it's not my place to publicly talk about that. That's clickbait. Right. And I went to clickbait. We complain about clickbait. And, you know, obviously, birth chart, they're precise pattern recognition. And in my world, it's a quantum, it's like fascia. I don't know how else to put it. Like, your birth chart is like fascia in the texture or the context of who you are. But it's not my place to talk about somebody's birth chart publicly. It's a very private thing, but his birth chart is fascinating to look at. And we're all living it day by day, hour by hour. So, I mean, you see the delusion there? Like, can we all be delusional, like Adrian said, in like a co-creative way? Can you actually believe that the dream that sits inside of you is what you're supposed to bring forward in the world? Can you see your neighbor as your ally instead of your opponent? Can you understand that not everybody's gonna come to the table seeing life through your lens? And that's the whole point, right? Can you understand that for your calm, there's gonna be somebody that's hyper, like for your happy, there's gonna be somebody that's a little melancholic. Yeah, you know, like, and that all of those opposing things exist purposely.

SPEAKER_01 58:49

Yes, polarity has to exist in order for nature to survive, really. Like we have to have polarity. However, we've lost sight of the basic tenets of being human, that we all need to be seen, we all need to be heard, we all need to feel safe, we all need to experience love, we all need certain kinds of safety, mental, emotional, physical, and having our basic needs met, making sure that we have food in our belly and water to drink. Like these are all basic things that every human being that walks around the earth needs. And we lose sight based on the melanin in people's skin, the book that they subscribe to from a religious standpoint, those are all dividing lines, and yet all of that is man-made construct bullshit. At the end of the day, we all have the same basic needs. So maybe if we just rallied around that, how can we create safe environments for our kids? Because I can say honestly, as a person parenting teens, this sucks. My parents got off easy trying to keep your kids out of fucking sex rooms and trolling on the internet and shit that makes them anxious and depressed. We have had two seniors in high school commit suicide up here recently. It is heartbreaking because they feel like their world is so oppressive that they can't continue. I cannot imagine parenting a child till almost adulthood to have them take their life because they don't feel like there's anything for them. We have really gone far awry, like, really and truly.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:43

And we forget who it's impacting. Like, yes, because we're so last thing I'll say, because food in the belly is something I didn't do before this, and my belly is like room, room. But like, it's interesting because I had this conversation yesterday where I was like, I really think if people were given the opportunity to sign off on a contract that said, I'm gonna give you all of the riches, all of the fame, all of the comfort, all of the beauty, all of the insert what so many people chase in this lifetime, but in the next lifetime you're gonna pay for it. I feel like most people would sign their name on the dotted line, not realizing what they just did. That's the kind of world we live in. Yes. So take that abstract concept and apply it in real world because that's what most people are doing. They're exchanging temporary because this whole ride is temporary. And guess what? Energy is neither created nor destroyed. You may not believe in reincarnation, but your energy's got to go somewhere, right? So, like you're taking this temporary ride where you're supposed to be learning for an evolutionary purpose from a soul perspective, and you're trading it for these materialistic yeah, 100% not realizing that you're agreeing to what could potentially be lifetimes of pain. It's one thing when you earn it because you traverse the pain, it's another thing to trade your soul for it. And we got a lot of people selling their soul. So thanks for ugly crying with me today.

SPEAKER_01 1:02:11

I feel like this episode was cathartic for both of us. It was.

SPEAKER_03 1:02:15

If you've made it this far, we appreciate you. Side of Taylor that you don't typically see. That's vulnerability in a way that I don't tend to like to show.

SPEAKER_01 1:02:22

But if we're going to be sharing with all of you that this soft side of yourself, this essence side of yourself, is the one that you should be putting forth to the world. We have to walk into. Even if that means ugly crying in the moment. It was beautiful, Taylor, and it was exactly what you needed, and it's exactly what we all needed.

SPEAKER_03 1:02:42

Like I'm not the only one feeling the propensity of exhaustion, yeah. Where it's like, man, like it's a choice, guys. Like moving out of it, you have to be consciously choose every day to not do the same thing. You have to build the new person you're becoming.

SPEAKER_01 1:02:58

So, on that note, is there anything else you want to share, Adrian? No, I think that this was a beautiful episode, and we didn't go into it with a plan, and it hung together so beautifully. For love it, we should do less plans more of this.

SPEAKER_03 1:03:12

So we'll come back with a hot, saucy episode next time, guys. But until then, like, share, subscribe, comment, please. Like, hello, want to hear from you.

SPEAKER_01 1:03:24

So that we're hearing for people other than Michael and Charles. It would be really great if you guys like, subscribe, share, comment. But definitely share this with people that you feel it would resonate with because we're looking to build a tribe that resonates with this frequency. So thank you for being here. Thank you for showing your love to us by showing up every single week and listening to what we have to offer. We live all of you dearly.

SPEAKER_03 1:03:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:03:49

Until next time, guys. Stay well.