Falling Apart To Fall Back Together

If you’re between 35 and 42 and feeling like life suddenly has no clear “next step,” this episode is for you. We’re talking about why this season can feel so disorienting—and why the lack of a roadmap isn’t a problem, it’s the beginning of self-leadership. You’ll hear why old motivators like approval and achievement stop working, how grief and expansion can happen at the same time, and how to create steadier clarity through values, small experiments, and honest endings. This is the chapter where you stop following a template and start building a life that actually fits.

What You’ll Learn

• Why 35–42 can feel like leaving a familiar life and entering a “hallway with no signs”
• What it means when old motivators stop working (and why that’s not a crisis)
• How grief shows up as restlessness, anxiety, irritation, or “I should be doing something” energy
• How to shift from a timeline-based life to a values-based roadmap
• Why small experiments create safety when big decisions feel overwhelming
• How to reframe “the void” as recalibration, not failure

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Connect with Taylor

Connect with Adrienne

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Welcome back to another episode of TNA. You're listening to the TNA podcast. Totally not appropriate. We're your hosts, Taylor Sappington, a cosmic cartographer, medical astrologer, and herbalist decoding the intersection of soul, body, and belief.

SPEAKER_00 0:21

And Adrian Irazari, a psychoalchemist trained in East Asian medicine, vibrational healing, and the sacred science of your nervous system.

SPEAKER_01 0:30

Together we blend ancient tools, clinical wisdom, and unapologetic truth-telling.

SPEAKER_00 0:36

From main events to metaphysics, tarot to tonics, karma to cancel culture, nothing is off limits and everything is on the table. This space is for the boldly curious, the ones who crave uncomfortable conversations, crave deeper insight, and are done pretending that they don't feel what they feel.

SPEAKER_01 0:57

So turn it up, tune in, and don't say we didn't warn you. Welcome to Tati. I'm joining you with my little cup. Like literally, I have a cup in my hand, guys. I went to the dentist. What is today? Today is Wednesday. Wednesday. Yep. Did I go to the dentist on Monday? It might have been Monday. Yeah. It was Monday because it was the first day, is it? Yeah. That's how time is right now, guys. Time is the man-made construct. I'm gonna continue to tell you that time is a man-made construct, but I went to the dentist on Monday and I don't love the dentist.

SPEAKER_03 1:36

I don't either.

SPEAKER_01 1:37

I don't like someone poking around in my mouth. That sounds so awful when I say it out loud, right? Like the context of someone poking around in your mouth. Sense of humor. But you know, like it always blows my mind, especially when you go to like a holistic dentist or a biological dentist, and they have you sitting there with your mouth like cocked open, pun intended.

SPEAKER_00 1:58

Sorry, not sorry. This is gonna be an amazing episode.

SPEAKER_01 2:04

But they have your mouth cocked open for 20 minutes, 30 minutes. And I love my hygienist. She sits there, she's got a southern drawl, she's from South Carolina, she talks to you the whole time, and I'm like, I can't answer half of your questions, and you obviously you know why. They don't do anything to like release the muscles after they've had your mouth open for a half hour. I'm like, oh no, because it's just another problem you can talk somebody into paying you to fix, right? Like, I really do think a lot of these offices are built on, you know, dangling this carrot of perfection in front of people's faces that doesn't actually exist. And I said in my Instagram story on Monday that I recorded as I was on my way to the dentist's office that they're always looking for something to fix. I shit you not. They gave me an estimate for me to walk out with so they could calibrate my teeth. If anybody has had Invisalign, I want to hear from you. My bite is finally to the point where I'm hitting enough portions of the teeth that it would be considered a healthy bite, but they want to smooth out edges in order to make the teeth more even. And I'm like, bitch, I don't know if I want to pay you to do any more work in my mouth. Or if like I'm 40, the smile is straight, right? I have a great chiropractor that is helping me get my jaw where it needs to go along with my cervical spine. Do I really need you to burr my teeth down?

SPEAKER_00 3:27

Are we supposed to be doing that to teeth? My answer would be no. I had chiropractic work done. I do have chiropractic work done, but I had my teeth like all the orthodontia when I was in high school, and it was miserable. And like they went in for the aesthetics. I had ridges along the very front of my teeth, and nobody told me it was coming, and they shaved them down. I shit you not. It does not matter what it is that I use on my teeth. They're sensitive, right? They're sensitive, yes.

SPEAKER_01 4:05

Yeah, that just answered my question because I was let them do it. No, I was like, there are meridians that run through the teeth. We have a mineral matrix. That your teeth are not bone, guys. If you didn't know that, they're mineral matrices, and like the primary components of your teeth are calcium carbonate, like it was hour two at the dentist, and I just wanted to go the fuck home, if I'm being totally honest with you. So I was like, sure, sign me up for May 18th and give me my estimate so I can go the fuck home. You know, but I was like on my way home and I was like, I don't want, I just want my final retainers.

SPEAKER_00 4:39

Yes. Everywhere they took brackets off my teeth because I'm ancient, guys, Invisalign wasn't feeling bracing. Well, okay. And then I had a hard retainer thing for clenching because you know, this girl's a little stressed sometimes. And they had done a little bit of work on the inside of one of my teeth, and now that I use that mouth guard, it has moved one of my teeth. I am so pissed because I spent years wearing my retainers faithfully for all of that stuff. But everywhere I had a bracket, I have tooth sensitivity.

SPEAKER_01 5:16

I'm just at this point in life where I'm like, I am perfect. I'm good. I don't need to look like a textbook, you know. And this is a dentist's office that has look, the dentist herself, I can run her through some conversation and she can hang with me for the most part. So I appreciate that. But like, I'm walking in, it's an old bank that they redid. It's fucking gorgeous. Don't get me wrong. Yeah, it's beautiful. Like her vision was beautiful. I'm like, oh, I love your vision and how big it is. But like now they're doing like facials, IV. I'm like, oh, this has become a wellness spa, a dental wellness spa. So yeah, I think I'm good. I'm good. But nonetheless, my little cuppy over here, yes, I cut my face. I don't care if I walk around with octopus suckers and cut my feet. I don't care. If I feel good and it prevents me from having a headache, I don't care. But my face is so tight.

SPEAKER_00 6:10

Mm-hmm. Oh, I use facial cups anyway, even without them doing any work in my mouth. I use facial cups.

SPEAKER_01 6:19

Headache on Tuesday, and I was like, every time I go to the dentist, I loathe going to the dentist. So we are starting the podcast talking about perfection and people digging in your mouth. And, you know, Adrian and I are in that lovely seven end of the seven-year cycle, you more so than me, right?

SPEAKER_00 6:38

Where I feel like it's beginning all over again.

SPEAKER_01 6:42

I said to you before we hit record, in astrology, we have multiple degrees in a house in a natal chart. And there are certain degrees that are considered to be prominent. Zero degrees is a prominent degree because if you have a planet at zero degree in any house, welcome to your new life path. Like this is something new for you to learn. So it could be a moon at a zero degree in a new house. Great, you're learning how to orient your emotions in a new way, right? Or it could be Mars in like at the zero degrees in a house. Great, you're learning how to harbor your work ethic, your drive in a different capacity, or your coping mechanism. Mars is a coping mechanism. It's our work outlet, if you will. But we also on the other side, with degrees in between, have an aneuretic degree. And that's the critical point of 29 degrees. You know, and when you're sitting in the final year of a seven-year cycle, ladies, we move in seven years. You're at the anoreetic degree where your life is literally saying, okay, the last six years, you had some things that you needed to learn. You had some class projects you had to execute on. You have some papers that are due. You know, think about it like the end of a semester where your thesis is due and you have to dissertate on it, you know? And life is basically going, did you get it? Are we there yet? And anything that has not been fully embodied at that anoreetic degree in this seven-year cycle. So Adrian, 42, right? Like, I'll be 40 in June. Stepping closer to that anorectic degree. My goal is to not have one of these. I want to go through all of the pain right now so that when I get to 42, I'm like, bye, bitch. See you. You know, like we'll have another one of these at the end of my 40s, you know. But it's that degree in your life, it's that period in your seven-year cycle where life is literally putting your feet to the fire and going, what do you have left to drop? What do you have in your pockets? What do you have up your sleeve? What have you not fully released your grip from? Because you can't take it into the next seven-year cycle. You cannot.

SPEAKER_00 8:46

I feel like I've been shedding and doing this for three years. So if you guys listen to the 38 to 42 podcast, I talked about this. Yeah. Like, I feel like I have worked through a lot of this stuff. I let a lot of shit go when I step through the birth portal with my son at 40. But I'm still experiencing complete and utter destruction. And I'm like, oh my gosh, are we fucking there yet? Like, it's rough, man. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 9:16

It's real. It's identity, right? So, like, I do believe that even with the immense amount of shedding that you've done, the immense amount of shedding that I've done, there are still some components of our personality that have kicked scream and made their way to the final point, right? And a lot of the times it's survival. It's personality traits that are rooted in patterns that we were taught to embody for survival purposes. Or it's parts of our person that we became in order to fulfill a need that existed in our life and ended up serving others immensely, right? Like I had this conversation with a girlfriend the other day where she was talking about the disappointing office visit she had with an OB. Right. And she's in her third trimester. She's really an ideal fucking patient. She's tracking her blood sugar to bypass the glucose test, which P.S. The glucose test is bullshit, but that's for another podcast. The fucking tests they do are bullshit. Again, another podcast. So, you know, and her OB came in looking at her wide array of fasting glucose, which I've been checking right alongside her the entire time. And she's like, this isn't 95. I'm a little concerned that you might have gestational diabetes. I wanted to throw my fucking phone across the room. I'm like, 95. Most people who aren't pregnant can't get their fasting glucose at 95, right? Like we have an entire subset of people who are just unwilling. I'm just gonna use the term unwilling to do the shit that they need to do. Stress. You're not supposed to manage stress. Okay. Stress is not meant to be managed. Again, another podcast. Okay, but we have an entire society of people, the majority of which can't get their glucose at 95 fasting. And this bitch is gonna nitpick you?

SPEAKER_00 11:05

That's crazy.

SPEAKER_01 11:06

It's also the same OB. I went to an appointment with her. I had the pleasure of being there for the anatomy sonogram, which is so cool because I'm not having any more kids. You know, at this point in life, I get to be the crazy auntie that teaches these kids at one point the dirty jokes and the cuss words. Sorry, guys. I'm dying. But I also get to teach them like what herbs are safe to eat when they're out in their yard and like how to do oracle decks and if they want to wear tutus, like that bubbles are magic. I'm just that auntie, okay. And it's the same OB that when we were sitting in the office, I try very hard to keep my mouth shut. You know, I'm just like a participant, I'm just a support system there. But they were talking about the upcoming, this was months ago, glucose test. And she's like, Yeah, we're just gonna order a glucometer for you. And I'm like, Do you mind if I ask a question? She's like, Yeah, I'm like continuous glucometer, or are you gonna have her prick her fingers every day multiple times a day for multiple weeks? She's like, Well, we've come to find that the continuous glucometers are not as accurate. I was like, Oh my god, Taylor, bite your tongue. Don't bite it off, but bite your tongue, bite your tongue. There's an eight to ten percent variance in the data that you collect with finger, yes, my middle one, finger glucometers. Okay, so in my experience and opinion, the continuous glucometers are much more accurate because there's constant access to data with the ecosystem that's constantly changing, versus pricking your finger, okay, and getting a potential eight to ten percent variance. I don't even know how we got here to this conversation, you know, but it's just one of those things.

SPEAKER_00 12:43

How did we get here, Adrian? We're talking about tests and procedures, not always being necessary. Oh, yeah, that.

SPEAKER_01 12:52

There we go. Right? So, like, it's just one of those things where anytime in the Western medical world, especially, they find a potential marginal error. It's called cover your ass, guys. It's not called what's in the patient's best interest. They're gonna seek a way to intervene, you know, and sometimes interventions are not necessarily going to provide us with the outcome that we are looking for. And that also includes us intervening in our own personal process of transition, right? A lot of the times you cannot interrupt where you're going. And when you try to interrupt the process, it just comes back and slams you even harder at the end. Man, I hope that makes sense when we listen back to it. I'm like, where the fuck? What corn maze did I go into? And how did I get on this five? Welcome to a podcast with air signs. Yep. You know, and I think that's because in our early 20s and our early 30s, especially for women, there are usually obvious next steps. Like, if I think back to high school, I was going to college, no ifs, ands, or buts about it. Yep. Coming from my dad, who didn't graduate with a college degree at 40 years old, put his feet to the fire and built a multi-million dollar company and traveled the world at 18. I'm like, wait a minute. So you get to go travel the world in like the Scooby-Doo Shaggy van, and I have to go to school and figure out what I want to be at the age of 18. Reflectively, I suppose I'm grateful because my academic experience and my professional experience led me to where I am today. And part of me is like, I missed out on a lot. Yeah, I feel that way too. But the obvious next steps are, and then it was like, you're getting a job in 2008. You're getting a job. You're gonna graduate college, you're gonna get a job, you're gonna have a good salary, and you're gonna start building your life. Bitch, I did that. Okay. Like I did that. I graduated into a recession, I got a great job. I started building my life. I owned a house 24, you know.

SPEAKER_00 14:52

I was gonna say, you're describing my life, all except for the great job part. It's like I graduated, I finished in 2005. Yep. And it was just before. So I purchased my house before the bubble burst. I had my first little shoe box, but it was examined, and it allowed me to have a dog so that I didn't have to deal with apartment living. I loved all of that. So I decided after a year, I really hated what I was doing. I went back and I got my master's degree. I graduated with my master's in 2008 when everything plummeted and exploded and burned in the fire economically. And I was the last hired and ended up being laid off almost annually from my first four jobs. When you looked at my resume, it was like I kept getting the question, can you not stay anywhere? And I'm like, no, no, read the room, you idiot. Like, I swear to God, like it's seriously? Well, Beck when you looked at me as a flaky yacht person.

SPEAKER_01 16:01

I was awful. I mean, transparently, what was it? Two years ago, I started the interview process again because I was like, I'm done with owning a business. I don't want tailored well-being anymore. I don't want to take care of people anymore. I don't want to answer the same question 15 million times anymore. I don't want to be responsible for emails at all times of the day because as a business owner, contrary to popular belief, yes, I can get up and I can have my tea and I can take my son to school, but I work a lot. Yes, make sure. You know, I got through the first two interviews at a position that I was like, business would be so easy. I'd be so good at it at this point. I had done it in a previous life. I was looking to get back into the hospital and I made it to the third interview and I could not help myself. I'm like, this is dumb. That is a dumb question. What is that gonna? I literally said this out loud. What is that gonna tell you about me, my work ethic? What are you gonna learn about me by asking that question? What do you really want to know about me? I mean, I was not moved on to the next set of interviews because they were, I'm sure, like, oh my god, this woman is gonna be like this, which is actually to me an asset, like somebody who's willing to ask questions. But, you know, like I'm unhirable at this point. I have been told many times. Gratefully so, because I really don't think I'm here to work for somebody else. I know I'm not. I too am in this process of like, okay, so we've got medical astrology, we've got herbs. I think the quantum energetics piece with cosmology is gonna be my main digs. I'm really good at it and I love it, right? But like, how do I put that into real world terms? I don't, and I'm coming to learn that too. But 20s to 30s was graduate, build the career, pick the partner, or leave the partner, you know. Um, that was my experience also. Have the baby or decide not to have the baby, hit the milestones, even when you were exhausted, you know, you could at least see the cultural roadmap that was expected of you. And then your mid-30s shows up, right? And it's like, why does none of that map fit anymore?

SPEAKER_00 18:11

Yes, and some of it is where you are in your life, some of it is the fact that like millennials, oh my god, I don't even know what the hell we're called at this point. Elder millennials, zennials, whatever.

SPEAKER_01 18:24

Millennial is 83 to 95. Well, I'm elder then. Yeah, it's 83 to 95, and then prior to it's Gen X, and then it's boomers.

SPEAKER_00 18:36

Yeah, see, I resonate more with Gen X than I do with millennials collectively. Yeah. In terms of my lived experience, because when I went to college, it is very different than younger millennials for the most part. Yes, and I have seen some agencies, I don't know what the hell to call them, that have pulled out like that 1987 to the beginning there, what 83, as the as like a xennial or like the transition because I don't feel the same way as like later millennials. I definitely don't. My husband is Gen X. I actually very much mentality-wise am more that way. Here's my lived experience though. I was in that transition zone. Everything about women out there listening to this, if you are like 41, 42, you're gonna totally understand what I'm saying. When you went to college, you stood in line for fucking books. I mean, I still did that though, as an 86er. I still stood in line for books. But that's why I think there's like a pocket of us that have a very different lived experience because I didn't touch a computer until I was in high school for the first time. I had to stand in line for books with my undergraduate degree. But then when I went back for my master's, I started in 2006. I took a year off trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. I went back in 2006, all of a sudden it was all online. So, like from the time I graduated of the intellect, honestly. I mean, it was wild. Like the registering for classes was completely different. Like, I remember sitting on the phone, yeah, crying that I was gonna get into the queue in order to be able to register for the one class that I needed in order to fucking cry.

SPEAKER_01 20:25

Like if you weren't online and you had time slots, yes, right. So, like, and if you weren't on at the top of the hour in your time slot, like then you were put on wait lists, yes.

SPEAKER_00 20:35

It was ridiculous. Oh man, I remember sitting in windowsills with a phone, like going, Oh my god, I need to go to this next class, but I think I'm the next one in the queue. Like, yeah, so that was my lived experience, right? So the world that we were being prepared for is not the world we stepped into. So when I came out of my master's degree, I had a print job. Yeah, damn, don't I sound old, right? I had a print job. I did copywriting and I put together a magazine that was printed and went out. Yes, we're getting ready to go back to that, guys.

SPEAKER_01 21:12

Like, pay attention to what Adrian is talking about because print, blogging on your website, Uranus and Gemini is coming. And the way that we do business, you don't have to listen to me. You can absolutely eat the shit pie. Don't listen to me. It's fine. Okay. But the way that we do business is gonna change. You're seeing the shift on social media now. Everyone is bitching about their engagement, okay? And bitching about what they have to do and how many hoops they have to jump through in order to get reach. And the reality of it is you have to pay for reach at this point. Are there accounts organically growing? Absolutely. But most of those accounts are talking about polarizing things, which to me can also become problematic echo chambers, right? So pay attention to what Adrian is talking about because Adrian's experience in the print world is Probably gonna come back to help her with where we're going. Wink wink.

SPEAKER_00 22:03

Oh god, I hope so. Because I sound archaic saying it. But like people are craving it.

SPEAKER_01 22:09

It's like all of the fashion trends. Bell bottoms came back. I fucking love a bell bottom, by the way. A rise bell bottom, like wide-legged pants. Yes, please bring those back. Also, the thigh gap. Can we get rid of it?

SPEAKER_00 22:21

I was gonna say, as I said here in my wide-legged pants, but it's wild though, like to see how things evolved in such a short period of time. I came out of school prepared for a world that was disappearing. I came out of school for a world that actually didn't exist anymore. As a business, telling you to work harder. Yes. And I busted my ass. And I had to teach myself. I would go to a full-time job. I would have to come home and literally study at night to like figure out how I could stay on top of where everything was going because this was none of what was taught to me in school. Somebody two years younger than me, they actually received some of this education because that is where the world was going. And they were starting to receive information about it. So like I had to evolve as the world evolved and my skills had to grow. And it's one of the most rewarding things of stepping out of a W-2 job into my own business, is I grew more as a professional and as a person stepping into working for myself than I ever did working for someone else. Of course. I know without a doubt that I am never meant to work for anyone else because nobody understands the fact that I'm energetically sensitive. I have always questioned the machine. I was the why child growing up, and I used to give my mother gray hair. We've talked about that in past episodes. Because I always asked why. I needed to understand why things were. Well, that does not make a compliant employee because I'm like, well, why are we doing this? This doesn't make any sense. It's very Aquarian, right? Like, I'm just like, no, your system is stupid and broken, and I can build you a better one because this doesn't work. And this isn't coming from an ego place. This is coming from a no, like I'm trying to help for the good of the people you to have a better system because yours sucks.

SPEAKER_01 24:22

You know, the interesting thing about what you just said though, right? Yes, yes. And given that we're in the age of Aquarian, you say a lot, and I'm calling myself out here too. I tell Adrian all the time the things that I say to you are things that I need to hear myself. Like the same thing with all of my content at this point. Yes, I'm talking to you on Instagram, but really I'm talking to me. Like I'm giving myself messages and reminders. And really, I hope the messages and reminders that I need resonate with you, right? I'm a verbal processor. Adrian's a verbal processor. It's why podcasting is so therapeutic for the both of us, right? But one thing that Adrian says a lot is better for you, better for the collective, better for humanity. And do you know what 35 to 42 does? It reorients you back to yourself. Yes. What's better for me? I'm living this. You know, and it's really difficult to reorient. I'm finding this too, right? My fucking south node is in Libra, the bicycle for two, the keeping everything in balance, the making sure your needs are met, that behind the scenes support system. My north node, my outer growth edge in life is in Aries. Bitch, choose yourself. You go first. You do you. You know what I mean? So, as a chronic, codependent people pleaser who grew up in an era and environment that absolutely nourished those roots to the point that they are as deep as fucking bamboo. Does anybody know about bamboo? It's so invasive here in Florida. It takes three years for the root system to establish itself underground. And then it grows 90 feet within a year. Think about that visual, right? So, like the root system for the codependent people pleaser, let me put you first, well established. And then in midlife, which is what both of us are transitioning right now, and I'm imagine you're in some even the Saturn return, I'm seeing it hit a little bit younger with some of my younger clients, where their Saturn return is asking them to ask different questions. I had this conversation on a call last night where I was like, nah babe, you're building your structure so that when you get to your nodal return, the way that you operate within the structure changes, right? Your orientation to the structure you're building now changes. But the structure you build today with the remaining elements of your Saturn return, you go through nodal returns in astrology, guys, or returns in general. It's not like it's over today, done. It's like years of integration after the fact. But you know, what 35 to 42 does, I'm on day four of my period and I still have marbles in my mouth, is it asks you to reorient to yourself. So the old motivators stop working. The things that you used to chase for safety, such as approval and achievement and being the good one and keeping everyone comfortable, don't feel worth the cost. They really don't feel worth the cost, right? And then when those drivers die, it can feel like you're losing yourself because you are. I mean, you're really putting a part of yourself to bed. You know, and it's not that you're losing yourself, you're losing a version of you, you're putting to bed a version of you that was built to survive, not to lead. We have leaders in power that are operating off of survival. How's it working out for us? Our politician, holy Christ, our politicians are very clearly incapable of offering up that balance that we're talking about. Right. And you don't get rid of, like, I'm not abandoning the Libra elements. I'm carrying them into self-leadership. Just because I prioritize me doesn't mean I shit all over you. We can see the opposite impact or effect with our politicians. It's like me, me, me, me. They all put money in their own pockets. They all launder the money. Okay. None of our tax dollars are going to the things that we actually need them to go to. We are funding things that we absolutely should not be funding. And yet we're all rolling over and paying taxes because we're afraid to go to jail. We need more women in fucking perimenopause. I'm gonna tell you that right now. Let the twelve we ride at dawn, you know. And I think, yes, I think that's growing. You know, there's a lot of people that filed extensions this year. There's a lot of people that decided they were no longer participating. And this is just one example, right? But do we see the contrast of what the exterior world is providing back to us and how we're orienting to it? This is very much a collective, like to your point, Adrian, this is a collective, hey, we're taught to operate this way, and the world is showing us that we need to in order to survive. Because the people that we rely on, we should never be relying on the government. But the people we rely on to take care of us, again, shouldn't be, are never gonna do it.

SPEAKER_00 29:17

Yes. I mean, they've proven time and time again that they can't and they won't. And that we need a new structure and we need a new system. And I was talking about this with a group that I was with last night about how we're seeing these structures shift. We're very much in that Kali Ma energy where things are being burnt to the fucking ground. Like, if you have not seen the dumpster fire and it's brightly, it's devotion, though.

SPEAKER_01 29:50

Like, I think Kali gets very misunderstood. Yes, you bring her up because two calls ago with my mentor, she's like, You're supposed to embody Kali energy. And I'm like, Come again.

SPEAKER_00 30:00

Yeah, but she does it from a place of love. She's like, No, this doesn't serve you. You need to get rid of this bullshit because patterns, yes, because she wants you to get back in touch with your essence self. Who are you underneath all of the social conditioning, the bullshit you've been fed? I am not a bullshit.

SPEAKER_01 30:23

Look, I don't care that you're a business analyst. That's nice. I don't care that you're a doctor. That actually tells me more than I need to know, right? About like how fucking traumatized you probably are. Also, congratulations on all of the rigorous academic work that you have made your way through. Like, I care about who you are. And that is a question most people can't answer. That's a question I'm just starting to be able to answer. Because our immediate thought to, hey, tell me a little bit about yourself. Well, I'm Taylor and I'm a business owner. No, that's a role that you play. You know, like I'm Taylor and I'm a wife. No, that's a role that you play. I'm Taylor and I'm a mom. Yeah, that's a role that you play. And your roles can be important, but they aren't who you fucking are. Right. And like we can't operate in a world where nobody knows who we are. Maybe I should word this differently. The world that we exist in is a reflection of people operating by claiming their identity of a role. And we need more people going, oh, I am the artist. I am the artist that chooses to. I said this in a reel last night that chases sunsets and paints them as abstractly. Like, what's the color and texture to who the fuck you are? Right? Like, I love the fucking forest. I'm a fairy goddess that runs through the forest and talks to the trees. Like, really at heart, that's who I am. You put me on a hike and I'm talking to every tree and I'm looking for every gnome. British Columbia was so good about this. Every hike we went on. They had a fairy garden. Regardless of it. That's so cool. Regardless of what hike we did, there were literally little houses.

SPEAKER_00 32:03

Oh, I love that. And I was like, oh my God, maybe I'll be lucky enough to see one of them while I'm there.

SPEAKER_01 32:10

Like, there was no, like, Taylor, you're an adult. Taylor, those things don't exist. It was like, no, I am standing next to a tree that is 25 feet tall, that has moss growing it, right? That has traversed, I don't know how many years and has flowers growing at the base of it. Nobody's out here tending to it or managing the soil. Or, like, yeah, magic exists and I get to be part of that magic. Like, that's who you are.

SPEAKER_00 32:36

I keep telling my husband that I want a hobbit house to work out of. Why not?

SPEAKER_01 32:42

If we're gonna live here, we might as well make it magical. I don't understand like our obsession with being so logical. But logical, I will say, we all lived in Capricorn era for many years. That's strategy, that's boss baby, that's you know, like CEO energy. So perhaps some of the logic came from that.

SPEAKER_00 32:58

But Aquarius comes after, yes, and goes, Well, that's nice, but your A-type system is not going to fucking work here. So let me suggest an alternative.

SPEAKER_01 33:12

Let me suggest as I bulldoze the building that I want gone. I think the scariest part of all of this, too, for us collectively, and then, you know, those of us that we're speaking to 35 to 42, is not even the change itself. I think we all subconsciously understand that change is something that we can count on and we like reliability. We may not always love the change that presents in front of us, but we like the reliability of something. You can rely on change, it will be your ever-present friend. It's the lack of external permission. No one hands any one of us a certificate and says, you know, like you're allowed to want something different now. We're taught that growth is linear too, which I think is fucking hilarious, right? Like, I can't tell you the number of times I've said, I thought 40 was gonna look really different than it is turning out to look, you know, based on what I witnessed growing up. I mean, clearly as a child, you have like a very particular lens. There are obviously conversations you don't participate in, parts of life that you're not privy to. But like, I always look at my husband and I'm like, wow, 40 is like, this is not what I expected for 40. I am coming undone in the best way possible. I don't like getting out of bed prior to seven o'clock, but I will do it. And I do it most days because we have responsibilities. I don't want anyone interrupting my morning tea. I feel like I'm embodying my 80-year-old grandmother, you know, 20 years prior to my mom embodying her. At 40, I'm like, no, we need to slow this shit down. I want to go play with plants, I want to talk to bees. I got a bench back at my apiary so I can just watch bees. Who am I?

SPEAKER_00 34:48

Somebody who values the actual cyclical rhythms of our life.

SPEAKER_01 34:53

I'm coming. That's who you are. I'm coming to value it because I have a really difficult time with the aspect of loss and cycles.

SPEAKER_00 35:00

Really? Loss is hard for me. Wow. Well, this is a new piece of information for as much as I know and love about you. Yeah. But we have to have loss in order to make lease.

SPEAKER_01 35:13

And logically, I understand loss, but emotionally I collapse within it. And this is probably lifelong, right? Like I'm talking soul-level trauma when it comes to loss. Losing things over and over again that mean so much to me. And I'm just starting to understand this about myself. Like loss in this lifetime has always represented a piece of me leaving because it's with things that I love so much. You know, like my best friend dying at 20, you know, my soul dog dying as soon as we move to Virginia and I get married. Like, what the fuck? You made it this far. Where are you going? You know, like the soul dog that replaced the soul dog dying two years after we moved here, you know, like it's just loss is so immense to me. So I'm learning to orient myself in a healthier way to loss and recognizing because logically I can be like, yes, we're gonna lose everything that we love. I don't know. We're gonna try and time it so we can go at the same time, ha ha. Right? But one day I'm gonna wake up and my partner's not gonna share the side of the bed.

SPEAKER_00 36:23

Yeah.

unknown 36:24

Fuck.

SPEAKER_01 36:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 36:26

You know, I have that moment.

SPEAKER_01 36:29

Holy shit. And the cool thing about it is as I think about loss and I step closer to 40, I'm like, I at best have 60 years left here. I'm sure if shit not gonna waste it worrying about if my fucking bills are paid and if my taxes are on time. Your priorities reorient themselves. But it's scary for most of us because we start caring less about the things that we're told we need to care about, and we start caring more about the things that life is actually made up of. And that's when life gets really cool. Because somehow when we start to reorient ourselves to those things, we're taken care of. Yeah. Right? Like it all gets paid, it all gets taken care of. The worry and the constant anxiety, the cycle that so many people are spiraling in right now, understandably so. Been there myself, single mom living paycheck to paycheck. Holy fuck. You know, like, am I gonna be able to do this? Am I gonna be able to cover all of this? Oh my God, and have paid maternity leave. I gotta go back to work. You know, you know, but when we step out of that cycle of worry or that spiral of worry, and we start going, I had this conversation last night too. Okay, we're gonna do this together. I can't see what you're doing behind the scenes, but I'm gonna do my part over here, and I'm gonna trust you, higher power, whoever that is to you, that you're gonna do exactly what you promised to do too. It all works out. That's co-creation. You still have to take action, guys. You know, like once you just go, all right, cool.

SPEAKER_00 38:06

I'm gonna And I think that's the part that I'm having a hard time with right now is I do understand that I have to take action. I just don't know what action to take.

SPEAKER_01 38:15

Sometimes the action is just listening, though. Like I'm coming to learn. You know, like I have some days where I sit in front of my computer and I just stare at the screen, and my husband's like, what are you doing, babe? And I'm like, I don't know what to do. Like I've written for Substack and I've created my post and I've put my email together and I've responded to the clients that are in need help of. And like it's really, those are the moments where I go, oh shit, like I really have to go figure out who I am outside of this thing still. Yes. And like it's okay to do that because somewhere in the back of my mind still lives that voice that says you're lazy. Yes, a hundred percent. What do you mean you're not sitting at the computer? I can't tell you how many years I have literally prayed for what I have now. Space. Time to go outside in the middle. I am a Leo rising. The sun rules my charts. The sun is literally a prescription for me, right? I cannot live in gray, moody areas. I do not do well. Do not do well, you know. But like I have literally prayed for the things that I have now. And it's so interesting how it's hard to appreciate them when you get the things that you pray for. Because you're like, what's the catch? Yes, because we've been taught there's always a catch. And maybe there isn't a catch, you know, and I'm learning to be okay with that too. Like, oh yeah, you are supposed to go out and enjoy the things that you've built outside. It's okay that you go sit and stare at bees for a half hour once every three hours. Literally, it's like clockwork. I just go, they teach me so much. I just watch them, you know, they're incredible to watch. I know birds by their fucking call. We're at that age. Like, I walk outside and my husband and my son are like, okay, babe, my bird can Yeah. My husband and my son are like, what bird is that? You know, and I'm like, oh, that's a woodpecker, or that's like a laughing seagull, or that's a collared dove, or that's and I'm like, damn, we are at that age. But I love it. Like, I love that I can go outside and I know what bird is sitting in the banana tree outside just by their call.

SPEAKER_00 40:16

The magic we walk by. Yeah, these sounds though are literally a prescription for our nervous system, though. Yeah. Like all of the different bird calls and nature sounds and the way that wind sounds through the trees, like all of those frequencies literally are balm for our nervous system. And we're so disconnected from nature at this stage in our lives that like this is why we're unhealthy and we struggle and we feel overwhelmed and oversaturated and all of these things. And the fact that you can do this, you're ahead of the game. Because look at how usual it's a lonely place to be sometimes.

SPEAKER_01 40:58

And a lot of it is I've had so many good conversations. I connected with a friend yesterday that I have known for 14 years, Sev. She walked me through one of the darkest chapters of my life, right? And I postpartum psychosis, everybody's trying to shove antidepressants down my throat. And she was the one that was like, no, babe, you're just out of your power. Like, fuck. Thank God for bright lights in the world like that, though. But she is very much a part of the extraterrestrial realm. She had experiences long before it was sensationalized like it is today. Like she was the one coming out going, I'm talking like body markations and like high detail, you know what I mean? When people were going, you're fucking crazy. And she's like, T, I've been a part of this UFO world for a long time. And like, what's happening to it? And I'm like, the same thing that happened in the health and wellness space, which is why I closed my fucking practice down. It became sensationalized. Everybody was calling themselves an expert. People were sharing information on things that they had never experienced. And I cannot participate in that bullshit. She's like, Oh my God, you just put into words exactly how I felt or am feeling. And I'm like, yeah, it's gonna happen with astrology too. I'm waiting for it. Right. And we're starting to see it happen with quantum. Neuroscientists talking about quantum when they clearly don't know dick about quantum. They're just using jazzy language, you know exactly who I'm talking about. Yep. So it's just like there's this grief that goes along with expansion. She kept going, I don't know. She's 60. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm like, oh, you just came through another nodal return, you know. Like, I don't know what I'm doing. And I'm like, but you do, you do. She's like, Yeah, you're right. And I'm okay with the question mark. And I'm like, we need women at your age to be okay with the question mark to teach us that it's okay with the question mark. So, you know, and grieving in this chapter of life, we grieve choices that we didn't get to make freely. We grieve the body we used to have. Oh my God, that's the truth. Yeah. I started my Pilates arm workout yesterday because I was like, I'm getting my arms back to where they used to be when I was surfing all the time. Nothing replicates surfing, you know. But like I find myself all the time wanting to go back physically to a certain chapter of life would not be healthy for me at this point or where I'm going, you know, but grieving the identity you used to feel clear on. Yeah, that's where I'm at. I have no idea. Well, grieving the years that you spent palatable. I'm like, I understand that I have very heavy disruptor energy in my chart, in my human design, but I have been told for so many years that I'm angry, I'm aggressive, I'm intimidating, I need to be seen and not heard. That it's like finding your voice at 40. That's taking a little bit of time. Like, what's she supposed to sound like? I haven't quite hit the frequency where I'm like, that's her. I have like fragments of her, but that's her, you know. There's this element too, right? With this grief where we don't have ritual or community around that grief. We don't talk about it enough. So it Can become restlessness for us, it can become anxiety, it can become irritation, it can become this constant sense of we should be doing something, but we don't know what we should be doing. And I think it's really important that we normalize that because the absence of a roadmap is not a flaw.

SPEAKER_00 44:17

And in a world where we guilt ourselves around being action-oriented and the lack of roadmap, it's like, so where do I go now?

SPEAKER_01 44:27

It's a feature. What if we started looking at this chapter of life as not a flaw, but a feature? Like, what if we could encourage the 30-year-olds now? Like, hey, at 30, 35, 36, your life is going to change. It's going to be super fucking painful, but also super fucking liberating. And like, you just have to hold on. You just have to lean into the discomforts, you know, because this is a chapter where you stop living someone else's template and you start building a life that actually fits your nervous system, your values, and your truth because you start dismantling the patterns that you have been using as your identity up to this point. But that also means that you go from good student, right? Good student of life, to being an architect. And that's a big transition. That transition is disorienting. And like I always ask people, you're just in a season. How do you define a season? Nature, it's like four months, right? Three to four months, depending on where you live. Florida is a forever summer. Really should have thought that one through. Really should have thought, I love where I live, but I really should have thought that one through. Like, how do you define a season? And like this season is seven, eight years.

SPEAKER_00 45:38

Not seven, eight months. Well, yeah. And in some cases, if you are really plugged in and you start feeling the shift at 35, like you don't come to your non-bleeding years until roughly 49. So, like, this could be 14 years, but it is just a season.

SPEAKER_01 45:59

I am like so for shits and giggles. I just have this feeling my body's gonna take me right up to that point. Like, hey, we're gonna play this really fun game of whack-a-mole. Yes, we are working on this right now because I don't think there's anything physically contribute. Every lunation, man, it was the stellium in Aries. My moon is in Aries, I bled at 23 days. I was like, every time there is a major lunation in my chart, I go with the collective. Yeah. So what did I contract myself for? What agreement did I make in one of my lifetimes that said I am of service to the collective? This is how I'm repaying a debt of mine. Anytime the collective goes through something massive or major, I will be one of many to process it. We will use my physical form to do that because I am so ready to put that bitch to bed. You know, like we are the I don't want to do this for another 10 years. Every time there's a major lunation, I'm like, oh, here we go again. Here we go again on my own.

SPEAKER_00 47:04

Yep. I have a couple of clients that like you could set a watch to it. It's like that predictable. So they must have that same contract because I will let you know because I'm in the process of looking at that right now.

SPEAKER_01 47:16

And all I can tell you is in previous lifetimes, you all have had them parallel for some of us. I don't know. We're still trying to sort that out. I think quantum would say parallel because time is a construct, right? But somewhere along the line, I fucked around and found out when it came to power and did not use it in an appropriate way. You guys think Donald Trump is not gonna have some karma to repay? Babes, I know y'all hate him, but trust me. I hope we can find him in this next lifetime and be like, so let's talk. Like, what are we doing in this lifetime? You know, like I had this conversation yesterday with my dear friend, and I was like, Can you imagine a soul that was like, All right, I'm gonna she's like, you know what? That is the best perspective. She's like, You're right. We had to have somebody come in and dismantle the system. Yep. And he's the one who took it on. And he was willing to be the asshole. I was like, Yeah, can you imagine if the entire world went, I don't like him, but I see what's happening.

SPEAKER_00 48:11

We would all be a far less polarized, yes. We'll get there, but like we're on different timelines. Like, there are people there are people who've been feeling the shift since 2020. I know that I'm one of those people 2020, 2021. Yeah. And I've had several things happen. Like COVID was the shift, and then I got pregnant with my son, and so I stepped through another portal. And there are some of us that have been on an alternate timeline from others, and eventually we will meet, but it's going to take time. Those are everybody's coming, but that's part of it. That's part of the destruction, right? That's part of the needing to make space for what's coming. We were talking about creation cycles last night. It's like there has to be fire, destruction, something that disrupts and dismantles a system, a pattern, a something, in order to have the space for something else that is new to be reconfigured and reconstructed in its place of life. Loss.

SPEAKER_01 49:26

Yeah. We're in a cycle and we're in the uncomfortable part of the cycle, right? But after the loss and destruction comes the rebuild, which is cool as shit. And I feel like we've all lost perspective on what's yet to come because we're so enmeshed in what's happening now. Do you really think that you were born to pay bills and die? They want you to think so. Like, really contemplate that question. Was I really brought to this place? We're on a spinning rock in the middle of a galaxy, surrounded by places like Hawaii and Costa Rica and the Amazonian rainforest. You really think you were born to pay bills and die?

SPEAKER_00 50:10

Yeah, it's crazy and kind of depressing to think that would be the whole reason that we're here.

SPEAKER_01 50:16

It's not. We've just been born into a system that continuously perpetuates that narrative. And the reality of it is us all disconnecting from that. Guess what, guys? The plot's up. Yeah. Something can't perpetuate without participation. There's mass participation right now because we're all so afraid of what not having a path.

SPEAKER_00 50:38

Because we've had the path laid out for us. Pay pills and die. I can't tell you the number of times when I was younger that they were like two things we can't avoid death and taxes. It's like, wow, that's depressing. You know? Wow. Okay. All right. Okay. Okay, okay. Right? The narrative's shifting. And there are people who understand that and they're actively co-creating that change. And then there are people who are still very much.

SPEAKER_01 51:12

Sorry, guys, that was my cup.

SPEAKER_00 51:15

Taylor is currently cupping her face for those of you who are not listening to this episode. I didn't cut the cheese. That was my cup. She had it on her chin. But yeah, like it's wild to me that we have been participating with this structure for so long and it's not sustainable. And I think people are just getting straight up fed up about it. Like, you know, you go to other countries and their food isn't killing them. You know, like we're in various stages of realizing that this model is not sustainable and we need to do something else. But the scary part is nobody has a roadmap and a plan. And so like it just feels like the Wild West and completely disorganized and dysregulated right now because there's no plan. Right. And that is scary, not having a roadmap, because we have come through this system, the earlier stages of our life, with expectations in terms of what it is that you're supposed to do next. And once you've checked all those boxes, there's always this then what question. And I mean, we're seeing it at a meta level right now, but I'm feeling it hard at this 42 level. It's like, okay, so now what?

SPEAKER_01 52:34

I also have golden guy. No. But I also have to think about it like this, right? Like I was at peak success. Success, I'm saying it in quotation marks, the way society would define it, right? Like I was at peak success when tailored well-being was in the process of being contemplated and then dissolved. Do you not think that if that was the path I was supposed to continue on, you generally, you, that it would have made more sense for life to just keep pushing me on that path. I have to really sit back and go, whoa, I really must have been off path just because I'm really good at what I did. All of those tools still sit here. I still utilize the perspective, right? But just because I was good at it didn't mean that it was my life path. It was a stepping stone, right? And I have to just trust that if that was where I was meant to stay, I would have stayed. Because building it, blood, sweat, and tears, lots of time, but easy, relatively speaking. Right. It wasn't where I was meant to stay. So for me, I look at all this and I go, wow, I cannot wait to see what life has in store. Because if that's where they were taking me down, if that's where life was like, I'm gonna need you to contemplate your direction because we gotta go different. I bet the vision is even bigger than I can fully imagine. And how humbling it is to start over at 39. And do you know how many people do it? Probably not enough, but more than we realize, right? So there's a statistic out there like most female entrepreneurs don't hit their first million until like 45. We only get better as we age. That's another narrative that gets to be crushed, too. You don't shrivel up and die, you become much more discerning. Yes, you execute a lot differently, right? It's just all experimentation up to the age of 40. Man, what a fucking wild ride it's been up to this point. Can't wait to see where it's going. Really gotta get the ants out of my pants some days, you know, because I just want to like run to the next destination, but that's not the point. The journey is the point, and the next destination, I will enjoy it in such a different way. Yeah. I didn't yeah, I didn't enjoy what I look back and I'm like, fuck, do you realize what you did?

SPEAKER_00 54:39

No, I was too busy doing the thing to realize what I did. That's it. You were too busy doing the thing, and I resonate with that. I was too busy doing the thing and building the thing.

SPEAKER_01 54:48

And yeah, so life had to go, yo, bitch, beep, slam on the brakes, you know what I mean? Because the next place you're going, you're gonna have the perspective to actually enjoy it.

SPEAKER_00 54:57

I really truly believe this is why my son came into the picture when he did, is because he forced me in a way that I may not have been receptive to, open to, or able to slow down. And it physically slowed me down in the delivery and postpartum stages.

SPEAKER_01 55:21

As an Aquarian, you live life above the neck, so something had to get you back into your body. And guess what? Enzo did that real well.

SPEAKER_00 55:28

He did. And at this stage, you know, I love the fact that I can float back and forth between supporting people that gives me the as an Aquarius, the independence piece, right? Like I need to have a piece of me that is retained and not get lost in the labels that I wear. But he has really forced a slowing down and a spaciousness in my experience that I wouldn't have had without him. And the birth portal is transformative just in and of itself. And then at the age and stage in my life that I'm in, on top of all of that, it is really forced me to reevaluate what's important and what do I really want? And what do I need? And what does my body need? And my solar return says that my body is one of my biggest projects this year, meaning not fixing things, right? But learning how to co-create with her and move through the world in more of a body-focused way and not leaving the body behind for the intellectual's pursuits, which has historically always been a hard theme for me. So yeah, whatever you don't learn before 42, 42 goes, so what do you think? Are we there? And now let's add a fire horse year on top of it. And I think I've had more anxiety this year than I've had in probably since college. Yeah, it's terrible.

SPEAKER_01 57:15

And once you get through to the other side, you will get to look back and go, holy shit, I'm so grateful for that time in life because it taught me X, Y, and Z. So, all right, kids on that note. I have a dog on cue who would like her lunch. And I went 15 minutes over after I said I wouldn't. So I think that's all I got for this episode. Anything else you want to share? Nope. I feel complete. Okay. Guys, I hope you enjoyed this episode. If you like the topics that we talk about each week, remember to like, share, subscribe. Whether it's Spotify, YouTube, iTunes. Yeah. We're in all the places. So wherever you're listening to us from, we'd love to have you come back every week. So remember to subscribe to the channel. And until next time, guys, stay well.